So, life has a funny way of reminding you that you are alive. I know, I know. You are likely sitting there thinking, “self, does that girl think we forgot we are living? I mean, we aren’t undead and we aren’t dead so we have to already know we are alive, don’t we?”
I would beg to differ. It goes a little something like this,….
You wake up and jump right out of bed. The sun makes you happy, the birds are chirping, the pets are well-behaved, you don’t have morning breath, and your hair is on POINT! Right? Nope. Not usually. Even the most die hard morning person alive has mornings that just seem to come more quickly than most.
And on the mornings that we are dragging or late or it’s super cold or we wake up sticky from the summer heat,….we remember we are alive. We feel everything and notice things that we don’t normally.
“Did I always have that one long hair on my upper lip?”
“Does the puppy always take so long to pee? I gotta go!”
“I’ve never worn these shoes with those pants, have I?”
“I’ve never felt that muscle get all tight and angry before.”
When we feel those out of the ordinary feels or notice those out of the ordinary actions, it causes a slight hitch in our step and we are reminded that the autopilot came off and we are alive.
There are other times in life when we are reminded that we are alive. Trials. Heartbreaks. Losses. New beginnings. New loves. New jobs. Whether life-alteringly awesome or life-alteringly awful, we suddenly notice LIFE.
When he/she looks at you, you can’t breathe and your heart races and you realize you are alive.
When he/she leaves, you can’t breathe and your heart races and you realize you are alive.
When he/she is born you and you think of how fast pregnancy flew by, and you are struck by how big and short life can be!
When he/she passes away, you think of how fast the last few years have flow by, and you are struck by how big and short life can be!
When we were kids and we went to the playground to mess around, compete against one another, lay on the merry-go-round while someone else ran around and spun it ever fast, beat up the rude boys (oh, wait…was that just me?), played basketball, and more, we also played on the see saw (or teeter totter, depending on where you are from). Do you remember that?
What was the WORST thing that could happen when you were on the see saw with someone else? Especially if that someone outweighed you by a bit and had a mischievous streak? Cherry bombs. That’s right.
For those of you who are not in the know, a cherry bomb is when someone is opposite you on the see saw, waits until you are up at the highest point and they are at the lowest, and they jump or roll off the see saw thus causing you to fall the full height of the drop. That nonsense hurt in so many ways! Your back, neck, butt, ankles, and sometimes even your teeth slamming together or biting your cheeks. Cherry bombs were, and still are, the worst and the cause of many playground brawls.
The reason unexpected cherry bombs were so bad was because you felt safe and secure in this balanced, give and take relationship with another person. You would each push off the earth and try to get as high as you could - even sometimes flying off the seat at the top and only managing to hold on because you gripped the handles like a vice. Sometimes, you and your partner would try to balance perfectly even with the ground, grabbing little kids as they ran by to distribute the weight more evenly or sliding toward the middle of the beam to lessen the weight distribution like a playground scientist.
But, when your partner lulled you into a false sense of security and jumped or rolled or dove off his/her seat at the last minute…..you had a Wile E. Coyote moment as your brain processed what was happening and then you felt the earth meet your coccyx and the starts pierced your eyes. The pain and surprise and anger (depending on who did it and if you had discussed the option of cherry bombs as a game of change) reminded you that you and your coccyx were alive. And it….was…..war.
Over my lifetime, I have had ample opportunity to feel alive. I have had playground brawls, dealt with childhood illnesses, stressed over a father deployed in hostile territory, moved all over the world, watched my parents’ marriage fall apart, survived a sexual assault, found release in counseling, fell in love, lost my love, gave up on dreams, fell in like, lost my like, changed jobs, married the man i have loved more than any other, been betrayed and abandoned by the same, and all throughout I have balanced the life of a chronically ill person fighting through blackouts in public, debilitating GI issues, casts, slings, crutches, walkers, scooters, unemployment, and near homelessness.
Each time I felt like I was gaining some momentum or recovering from the last cherry bomb, life locked eyes with me, smirked, tucked and rolled off one side, the other, or the back of the doggone see saw.
This is the important part. Mmmmkay? IF you’ve made it this far, please read this so you understand me and what I’m all about. Here we go. This is it.
MY DADDY GOD AIN’T RAISED NO QUITTER.
Your life may have a lot of smooth sailing, prayers quickly answered, wishes granted, dreams come true, things fixed the first time, no lines at the grocery store, trying on bathing suits my be fun, the glass slipper fitting perfectly, you may never get sick, and animated birds may alight on your fingers. My story is a little more Tim Burton, but I’m not gonna quit.
The things I’ve shared with you are the very tip of the iceberg. Just the last year alone I have had such physical, emotional, and psychological pain that the diagnosis of clinical depression was more of a relief than a disappointment. You mean to say, there’s a chemical and psychological reason why I can’t focus, cry uncontrollably, eat like I’m trying to win a medal, and sometimes think of the sweet relief but fear the thought of suicide? i’m not crazy, i just need some help? Phew!
What I need you to know is that some days just suck. SUCK! Go back to bed, abandon all adulating, veg out on violent 80s action movies, eat whatever I want to, let the puppy make all decisions for the day SUCK. Other days are good. Some are great! None are perfect.
But, sometimes you need to let me feel safe enough to share with you that things are suck and not have my honesty prompt verbal rainbows and glitter covered platitudes or motivational quotes you picked up from a drug store card isle. Some days I’m not okay and I’m allowed to be not okay because I’ll get it out of my system, dig into the Word, connect with my Father and family, and get right back up on that see saw for round…..I don’t know….57,819,421.
If you see me in a FB or IG live and I seem a little down, remember that my divorce was finalized 20 days ago today.
If you read a post on social media or a blog post (like this one) on my site and it seems a little depressing, I may be struggling with my depression.
If you see me in person and I’m not high energy, the sparkle isn’t present, and I don’t have full engagement mode activated, remember that I am a strong introvert, I may have over-peopled that day, my stress levels may be high, my spine pain may be higher, I may have just gotten off the phone with my divorce attorney, or I may have had my debit card refused at the store because this move and failed school bus cross country trip sucked up twice the money I budgeted.
I say all of this to share with you that my life seems to have more than its fair share of cherry bombs on a weekly, monthly, and definitely yearly basis. The only thing that keeps me from going postal, allows me to smile, encourages me to sing, and reminds me that it could be worse is my relationship with my Daddy God and the love and support of my friends and family.
If you can relate to my story and feel like you have had your fair share of cherry bombs, feel free to connect with me! You can comment on this post or email me at email@example.com.
Have a great week, friends.
Now, I think I’ll give the swings a try.
They seem a lot less dramatic.
I am Christian Straightedge Christ follower, an Army Brat, an ex-milso, founder and CEO of FitnessAnyaMind, a sofa CEO, a nomad, a fur baby mom, and a mindset builder. I enjoy nature, reading, music, cooking, and taking care of those whom I love.